Being an ex-Husband

This is something I never thought I'd be pondering. I always expected to think about being a good husband, a better husband, a godly husband, a sensitive husband, a patient husband, an honest husband, etc. But I never thought I'd be thinking about what it means to be an ex-husband. More importantly, however, what it means to be a Godly ex-husband.

What's clear is what it means to be a worldly ex-husband. That, unfortunately, is easy:

• Denigrate your ex-wife at every opportunity
• Call her nasty names at every opportunity, especially the b-word
• Disparage her to friends and family members -- hers, as well as yours
• Absolve yourself of all the responsibilities toward her that you once had
• Play the field -- date, flirt and mess around as soon as and as much as possible
• Talk poorly about her to your kids
• Be rude and aloof to her parents and other family and friends
• Disrespect her in every possible way
• Ridicule her at every opportunity
• Do nothing more for her than absolutely and legally necessary

Now, the question then, is what does it mean to be a Godly ex-husband? That -- is much trickier. The Bible is very clear on what it means to be a Godly husband. I'm not real clear on what it says about being a Godly ex-husband. But I do know what it says about being a Godly man. So then, why should we not apply that to being a Godly ex-husband?

There is one premise that sticks in my mind that I think is important: She is the mother of my children and the woman to whom I pledged, before God and man, to love and respect for the rest of my life. Does the fact that she opted out of that pledge and pursued divorce change what I pledged -- what I promised? Well, it certainly changes the situation. Largely, she no longer wants (apparently) my love or to be a partner with me. I seldom see her, rarely speak to her, so that certainly reduces any opportunity to express Godly love.

So then, how do I try to be a Godly ex-husband -- no matter what she has done or said:

• Respect her -- do not speak poorly of her to anyone at any time for any reason
  
• Love her -- do not return slight for slight
  
• Forgive her -- I've certainly made my share of screw-ups that contributed to this situation; she's had her moments as well. That she has responsibility in no way minimizes or absolves me of my responsibility.
  
• Support her in whatever way I can -- monetarily, emotionally, spiritually, etc. -- to whatever degree she will accept it
• Do not, under any circumstances, speak poorly of her to my children. Support her as much as possible when speaking to them.
• Love her family. If nothing else, they are still family to my children. One relationship has already been sacrificed in their life -- there's no need for more to be.
• Pray for her. She is going through similar issues as me -- some more so, some less so. As the mother of our children, and their primary caregiver right now, it is imperative that she be lifted up in prayer to be a Godly woman and mother.
• Not be consumed with my own needs. My children need their father. They've already lost their parents. Then can't afford to lose their mother and their father. While I certainly have my needs, the only need of mine that should come before them is my need for a sound relationship with Christ.
• No rush to date. I'm not in a good emotional state for it. Heck, I'm not in a good financial state for it! And it would be added confusion for my kids. They already have confusion about why mommy and daddy don't live together anymore. They already have confusion with their mom having had two men in her life since the separation. They don't need any confusion with their dad. If God sees fit for me to be in another relationship, He will bring that relationship to me. I don't need to seek it out. I just need to seek Him out and all of my other needs will follow.

As when we were married, I'm not always as successful as I'd like to be in these areas. It's a tall order. But this I do know -- when we were married my calling was to love her as Christ loves the church. Now that we are divorced my calling to love "my wife" may be void, though I have my doubts, but my calling to love my neighbor is still intact.

So, here's where I find myself -- I hate the things that have happened. I hate many things she has done. I hate many of the things that I have done. I hate the situation my children are in, through no fault of their own -- hate it. But -- yes, it is true -- I still love my ex-wife. A little differently than when we were married, but I still love her. She is still my neighbor. She is still family, as she is my children's mother. To respond any other way would be to continue to gratify the devil in his schemes to destroy the family even further. Our marriage may be over, but our family is not. And I will not let him take that away.

Please keep my children, me and my ex-wife in your prayers. We all need it. And I, for one, covet it greatly. And if you're in a similar position as me, I hope this provides you some encouragement and a challenge to what I believe God calls us to, even in this difficult position.

Life can be a real drag. But God is always really good!