From my own experiences and from those of, unfortunately, numerous friends and acquaintances, the direction you will go depends upon one of two attitudes -- selfishness, or selflessness.
| Selfishness: | Selflessness: |
| Wants to change the other person. | Wants to change themselves. |
| Demands that their own needs be met. | Looks to meet the needs of their spouse. |
| Is attentive to their own feelings. | Is attentive to their spouse's feelings. |
| Pursues their own happiness. | Pursues the happiness of their spouse. |
| Sees only how the other person contributes to their life. | Sees how they can contribute to their spouse's life. |
| Sees only the deficiencies in the other person and seeks to fix them. | Sees the deficiencies in themselves and seeks to fix them. |
| Expects the other to encourage and support them. | Is intent on encouraging and supporting their spouse. |
| Always seeks an apology. | Is not afraid to offer an apology. |
| Demands to be forgiven. | Willing to forgive. |
| Wishes their spouse to join with them in their own interests. | Desires to join in their spouse's interests. |
| Loves when they feel loved. | Loves at all times, unconditionally. |
| Returns negative emotions, word and behaviors in kind. | Responds to negative emotions with love and understanding. |
I'm sure there are many, many more characteristics that could be covered here. And not all of the ones under "selfishness" are necessarily bad, in and of themselves. It's when they are expressed without the reciprocal responses of selflessness. Those behaviors under the selflessness category need to be the dominant characteristics of our relationships.
This list came easy for me because I can easily see how I have been guilty of some. And for others, I show myself guilty by seeing them in my former spouse and easily being able to note them here.
Perhaps the greatest passage in the Bible regarding love is 1 Corinthians 13. How you view this chapter could be viewed in two ways -- (1) a beautiful description of love, and (2) a brutally honest description of what we as fallen men and women are. Please read below the most commonly referred to portions of this chapter (vs. 4-8), with my comments in parentheses:
Love is patient (we are impatient and intolerant)
Love is kind (we are unkind and cruel)
It does not envy (we are jealous and want what we do not have)
It does not boast, it is not proud (we are proud and full of ourselves)
It is not rude (we are insensitive)
It is not self-seeking (we are self-centered)
It is not easily angered (we cannot control our tempers)
It keeps no record of wrongs (we hold grudges and dwell on offenses)
Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth (we can enjoy being mean and getting back at someone, lying and gossiping about them)
It always protects (we can cause harm and manipulate for our own ends)
Always trusts (we lie and deceive and are unreliable)
Always hopes (we have limited vision and are easily discouraged)
Always perseveres (we give up when things get difficult and demanding).
Love never fails (we let people down - both ourselves and others).
This level of love, in its fullest, is simply unattainable by human measure. It takes two people totally given over to God and to each other, with no regard for their own self. In doing this, the relationship is made perfect -- each living for the other as they live for God.
How do we know what love is? "This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down his life for us. And we ought to lay down our lives for our brothers (1 John 3:16)." Jesus not only died for us, He lived for us. And lives for us still. And His love for us extended to the point of sacrificing His lif for ours. It's not likely that we'll be required to go to that length, but we must be willing to. And it begins with giving up ourselves for the one we love.
There is only one who pleasures in divorce and strife -- the devil. And only one who pleasures in a healthy marriage -- Jesus. Who is being made happy by your actions and behavior? By my actions and behaviors? Remember, love is not measured only by how we treat others, but by how we respond to how they treat us, whether it is good or bad. It's all about presenting an antithetical response to human nature. Just as Christ has done for us, and it can only be done through Him.
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