52 Day Dad

I'm writing this on a Friday night on one of the weekends where I have my kids.

I hate to say it, but it was pretty much an awful day. As far as I can remember it's the first time I've really despaired over my situation. Neither of my children listened to me at all. In fact, they disobeyed and flaunted me more than they have in a long, long time. And, pretty much, all day. It was a very unenjoyable day. I felt like Patrick Swayze's character in Ghost -- I was talking, but no one was listening. I was gesturing, but no one was looking at me. I even tried singing "Henry the Eighth" but they didn't get it and couldn't understand my faux cockney accent (ok, so I'm kidding about that part).

It was the kind of day that got me wondering Can an every-other weekend dad really be a father? I can easily be a playmate, or a buddy. But a real father -- can it really be done? And I really don't know. All I know is that I have to try, no matter how futile it may seem.

When our family was together, we had a routine that included me in their lives pretty consistently. I'd wake up my daughter, dress her, and take her to school. That was a very special time with just the two of us to talk, sing along to songs on the radio, and just have some quality time. When I came home, we'd sometimes have family dinner and most days I would give them their baths and put them to bed. Bedtime was usually very special. I'd give my daughter some books to read while I put my son to bed. I had/have a fun little medley of variations on Beach Boys songs that I sang to him after we read a book together. Often he would do his best to sing along which was always wonderfully cute. I'd do much the same with my daughter -- sing some songs, read a book, and we'd say prayers together. And we would do this most every day and night. Thankfully, I don't have too many regrets on the "If I'd Known" angle. But I do miss these times tremendously.

Currently, I see my children two days every two weeks. That's four days a month and around 52 days a year. Fifty-two days out of three-hundred and sixty-five. Now I do get the odd day with them and holidays and such, and have been trying to work a time to take advantage of a week-long vacation option I have with them, but that's what I know I have with them -- 52 days. It's not enough. Not nearly enough.

Now, on the days I do have them, I am terribly out of the loop. Are they being bad just for me or is this the way they're behaving now? They are getting older and to that age where they become more strong-willed and independent-minded. What are their routines? What is "normal" behavior for them? What are their likes and dislikes -- food, entertainment, music, etc.? How are they being disciplined at home? Are they being disciplined at home? With whom else are they spending quality time (this is the one that kills me most)? I just don't know. Getting even basic information on them from my ex-wife is like getting the truth from a politician -- it's possible, but even when you do, you're not sure you really did!

So I do what I can. I try to make their time with me somewhat educational -- so I'm playing a part in raising them and not just entertaining them. I still discipline them and try to hold to the same rules we had before, but I don't know if it is consistent anymore. I do little things. I ask my boy "Who's the man?" "I am", he replies. "Who's your daddy?" "You are!" he replies. I tell them both, but particularly my daughter that "I am your daddy. I am your only daddy. I will always be your daddy. And you will always be my daughter/son. Some things may change, but that will never change."

My ex is already looking to get engaged, I think (we divorced officially in August 08 and separated in August 07). Her boyfriend (the second one since we separated) has been telling them that he's their step-father. I tell my kids that he is not. That until and if he and mommy get married then he is "mommy's friend". But he is around them, as far as I can discern, every day. He'll pick up Ivey from school. He'll take her to school. He'll put them to bed. But, I maintain to them, he is not their daddy. He never will be. He may become their stepdad. But he will never be their dad. That is me, and that will always be me.

I tried talking to my daughter about such things today and thought I had her attention until she glanced up at me and said "I wish I had three hands!" At that point I realized that there really are no serious conversations with six year olds! I'm not even going to attempt it with my 3-year old!

There is, however, one thing I know, and one thing that sustains me -- God is in control. Not me. Not my ex. And not my children. God. And He knows tomorrow better than we know yesterday. He sees my life as one big mural, from start to finish in one large representation. I see my life as a book -- a book in which I cannot skip ahead. Or like a TV series where you never know beyond the current episode -- and with no previews of next week!

And God has given me this peace and knowledge -- that while I may only be with my kids for 52 days out of the year, I am now, always have been, and always will be -- their father. The more time I can get with them the better -- on the phone, in letters, with pictures in their rooms -- this all helps. But one-on-one time is unmatched.

And it reminds me of my relationship with God -- 52 days out of the year. One Sunday a week. It's not enough. It will never be enough. True -- he will still be my father, no matter what changes my life may see. But every little bit of contact I can get with Him is helpful. And one-on-one time is best. But no matter what, he will always be my Father. And for that, I am eternally grateful and will seek daily to find more days and more ways to spend with Him.

The most must be made of every opportunity -- opportunities for me to spend time with my Heavenly Father, and opportunities for my children to spend time with their father. It is the only way the proper relationship can be sustained.