2008 marked the first full year of being separated/divorced. As a result, I've spent much time in prayer and thought regarding my circumstances and what God's Word has to say about them. I had an opportunity to be a godly husband. I regrettably failed to fully act upon it. Now, my challenge is different -- to be a godly ex-husband. And I am determined not to let this calling go unanswered. It's a difficult question and not one so directly addressed in the Bible. But it's one that I think is just as important, if not, perhaps more so, because so many choose to pursue the world's definition of an ex-spouse.
I have my kids coming over this week for five days, so I thought I'd better do some cleaning and straightening up of things. In doing so I came across many things from when we were married. Nothing of any great significance, but little things that just made me reflect upon those days past. Things like my sons baby socks, some simple little photos, and just odds and ends that recalled certain events or times. It brought back memories of the good times -- clothes she gave me for birthday or Christmas or Father's Day, for example. But at the same time, I can't forget the difficulties we had. And while I can't change the past, I can influence the future -- quite positively if I am able to be the godly ex-husband God wants me to be. But how to do that?
- Accept Responsibility
It's easy to blame the other spouse in a divorce. But no matter the circumstances involved, there is always responsibility for both parties. It may be 50/50, 10/90, 90/10, 1/99 or whatever, but there is always responsibility for both parties. And while it's easy to dwell upon the contributions of the other, it's pointless. We can't change them, much less control them. We can only change ourselves and affect our own behavior, so it's essential to first identify and accept responsibility for our own contributions.
Mine was two-fold. I failed to be the spiritual leader the Bible calls me to be. And I allowed influences into our home that contributed negatively to my spiritual leadership, to my affection for my wife, to our relationship, and to our family.
It's easy to rationalize excuses -- at least it was at the time. Some may have been accurate, some may not have been, but it doesn't matter. God doesn't allow us any conditions for being a spiritual leader (or Biblically submissive wife, as the case may be) or for the thoughts and behaviors we entertain.
"Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her." (Eph 5:25). "Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord." (Eph 5:22) No conditions there. Just very simple, explicit, yet monumentally difficult to carry-out commands -- difficult, that is, if we attempt it on our own. Likewise, "Live as children of light... and find out what pleases the Lord. Have nothing to do with the fruitless deeds of darkness." (Eph 5:8-11) It's interesting to note that the verses and chapter (Eph 4-5:21) that immediately preceed the section on husbands and wives (Eph 5:22 - 33) deal with having Godly behaviour. My Bible has the subheading "Living as Children of Light." The implication, to me anyway, is that if you're not living as Christ commands, you won't be able to live up to the calling God has for you as a husband or wife. And I would have to say that I regrettably found that to be the case.
If your only perspective is that of what your ex did, regardless of how bad it was, then I don't think it's possible to be a godly ex. In that case, all judgement is directed outward, and is futile. To make a difference, it must be directed inward, where it can be acted upon and fully addressed.
It doesn't matter if she won't forgive me -- I can't make her do that, and if I hadn't've given myself over to sinful behaviors she wouldn't be in the position to do so anyway. Regardless of her contributions, mine are the only ones for which I am accountable. And therefore those are the only ones with which I need to be concerned. - Love your ex
I think this easily falls under the category of "easier said than done"! No matter what led to the divorce, there is likely to be bitterness on both parts. One mate feels rejected, and the other felt betrayed or slighted in some fashion. Divorce is not something that breeds love. But this one is really pretty easy to figure out. It's just extremely difficult to do. The world tells us to hate our exes. To badmouth them. Curse them. Give them a crude or off-color ring-tone on your cell phone (Meredith Brooks anyone?). But this is not how God wants us to respond. Regardless of which side of the equation you may find yourself, we are never called or given permission to hate someone; to hold a grudge; to be bitter; to slander; to ridicule or demean.
In fact, the Bible is very clear and thorough. It calls us to love our neighbors and our family. Yet it also calls us to love our enemies. There are many great verses to support this:
"Hatred stirs up dissension, but love covers over all wrongs." (Prov 10:12) What divorced person hasn't seen that first part played out in their lives. But have any of us seen the second half played out? Wouldn't that be a nice change of pace.
"But I tell you: Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you...." (Mat 5:44) How many of us pray for our ex -- productive prayers, not bitter prayers. Yet this is what we are commanded to do.
"Do not seek revenge or bear a grudge against one of your people, but love your neighbor as yourself. I am the Lord." (Lev 19:18) This was spoken to the people of Israel, encouraging them to love their fellow Israelite. Our ex-spouse is our neighbor. And this is the command from God Himself. It's very clear. We are to love our neighbor. Therefore we are to love our ex.
"But I tell you who hear me: Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you." (Luke 6:27-28) If this doesn't describe most divorce relationships, I don't know what does.
There are many more verses to illustrate this -- feel free to comment with others. You can't have too much Scripture to prove a point! But the bottom line is simple to state, though perhaps difficult to live out -- love your ex. Whether they are your neighbor, or your enemy, they are to be loved. Period. - Forgive Him/Her
I think I'll just let the Scriptures speak to this:
"Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ, God forgave you." (Eph 4:32) It just doesn't get any more clear than that. - Support Them More than the Law Requires
To the degree this is possible, this, I believe, is something that God requires. And this is one a lot would have a big problem with. I'll pose three proofs for this:
"If your enemy is hungry, give him food to eat; if he is thirsty, give him water to drink. In doing this you will heap burning coals on his head, and the Lord will reward you." (Prov 25:21-22)
"And if someone wants to sue you and take your tunic, let him have your cloak as well. If someone forces you to go one mile, go with him two miles." (Matt 5:40-41)
"But love your enemies, do good to them, and lend to them without expecting to get anything back. Then your reward will be great, and you will be sons of the Most High, because he is kind to the ungrateful and wicked." (Luke 6:35) - Pray for your Ex
"But I tell you: Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you...." (Mat 5:44) Yeah, I know - I used this one earlier. But it's that good - and that important.
"But I tell you who hear me: Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you." (Luke 6:27-28) Yep, this is a repeat too. But again -- worth repeating.
"Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective." (James 5:16) Who of us who are divorced doesn't need to be healed? And how many of us have yet to confess our sins, especially the sin that may have contributed to the divorce, to another believer? This goes back to accepting responsibility.
"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." (Philp 4:6-7) How many of us worry about our situation, or our custody arrangement, or what our ex will do next? In short -- don't worry about it. Take it to God. And you'll have his peace.
I'm no Bible scholar. I'm just a divorced guy who dearly loves his family - yes, even my ex-wife. By God's grace, I do care for her and pray for her daily. I want His best for her. And I hate that I failed to be the Godly man God called me to be when we were married. I was arguably a good man. I was arguably a good husband. But regrettably, I did not place my relationship with God first and foremost, and therefore, was not a Godly man or husband. I can't change that now. But I can change things from this point forward. And my only motive is this -- because it's what God wants me to do.
Maybe it's preparing me for a new relationship. Maybe it's to be an example for other men in similar situations. Maybe it will pave the way for reconciliation. Or maybe -- just maybe -- it's as simple as this: it's what God wants me to do.
I hope this offers some encouragement to those who are in a similar situation. I'm with God on this one -- I hate divorce. I hate what it's done to me, to her, to our kids especially, and to our families. I hate what it does to Christmas and other special occasions. I hate it. But by trying to be a Godly ex-husband, I believe -- no, I know -- that it will help me be a Godly father and a Godly man, and this will bring peace to our lives.
Next Christmas I hope to have more positive reflections on the year. I hope I will look back upon a year of great spiritual growth and maturation. I hope it will reflect upon my children. And I hope it will honor God.
Have a happy and blessed 2009!
