My 2009 Challenge - be a Godly ex-Husband

Christmas and New Year's are always times for reflection. Whether your year was good or bad, we tend to reflect some upon it and what we hope for or hope to improve upon in the next year. I've been doing some of that today and thought that these might be worth jotting down.

2008 marked the first full year of being separated/divorced. As a result, I've spent much time in prayer and thought regarding my circumstances and what God's Word has to say about them. I had an opportunity to be a godly husband. I regrettably failed to fully act upon it. Now, my challenge is different -- to be a godly ex-husband. And I am determined not to let this calling go unanswered. It's a difficult question and not one so directly addressed in the Bible. But it's one that I think is just as important, if not, perhaps more so, because so many choose to pursue the world's definition of an ex-spouse.

I have my kids coming over this week for five days, so I thought I'd better do some cleaning and straightening up of things. In doing so I came across many things from when we were married. Nothing of any great significance, but little things that just made me reflect upon those days past. Things like my sons baby socks, some simple little photos, and just odds and ends that recalled certain events or times. It brought back memories of the good times -- clothes she gave me for birthday or Christmas or Father's Day, for example. But at the same time, I can't forget the difficulties we had. And while I can't change the past, I can influence the future -- quite positively if I am able to be the godly ex-husband God wants me to be. But how to do that?

1. Accept Responsibility
   It's easy to blame the other spouse in a divorce. But no matter the circumstances involved, there is always responsibility for both parties. It may be 50/50, 10/90, 90/10, 1/99 or whatever, but there is always responsibility for both parties. And while it's easy to dwell upon the contributions of the other, it's pointless. We can't change them, much less control them. We can only change ourselves and affect our own behavior, so it's essential to first identify and accept responsibility for our own contributions.
   
   Mine was two-fold. I failed to be the spiritual leader the Bible calls me to be. And I allowed influences into our home that contributed negatively to my spiritual leadership, to my affection for my wife, to our relationship, and to our family.
   
   It's easy to rationalize excuses -- at least it was at the time. Some may have been accurate, some may not have been, but it doesn't matter. God doesn't allow us any conditions for being a spiritual leader (or Biblically submissive wife, as the case may be) or for the thoughts and behaviors we entertain.
   
   "Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her." (Eph 5:25). "Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord." (Eph 5:22) No conditions there. Just very simple, explicit, yet monumentally difficult to carry-out commands -- difficult, that is, if we attempt it on our own. Likewise, "Live as children of light... and find out what pleases the Lord. Have nothing to do with the fruitless deeds of darkness." (Eph 5:8-11) It's interesting to note that the verses and chapter (Eph 4-5:21) that immediately preceed the section on husbands and wives (Eph 5:22 - 33) deal with having Godly behaviour. My Bible has the subheading "Living as Children of Light." The implication, to me anyway, is that if you're not living as Christ commands, you won't be able to live up to the calling God has for you as a husband or wife. And I would have to say that I regrettably found that to be the case.
   
   If your only perspective is that of what your ex did, regardless of how bad it was, then I don't think it's possible to be a godly ex. In that case, all judgement is directed outward, and is futile. To make a difference, it must be directed inward, where it can be acted upon and fully addressed.
   
   It doesn't matter if she won't forgive me -- I can't make her do that, and if I hadn't've given myself over to sinful behaviors she wouldn't be in the position to do so anyway. Regardless of her contributions, mine are the only ones for which I am accountable. And therefore those are the only ones with which I need to be concerned.
   
   
2. Love your ex
   I think this easily falls under the category of "easier said than done"! No matter what led to the divorce, there is likely to be bitterness on both parts. One mate feels rejected, and the other felt betrayed or slighted in some fashion. Divorce is not something that breeds love. But this one is really pretty easy to figure out. It's just extremely difficult to do. The world tells us to hate our exes. To badmouth them. Curse them. Give them a crude or off-color ring-tone on your cell phone (Meredith Brooks anyone?). But this is not how God wants us to respond. Regardless of which side of the equation you may find yourself, we are never called or given permission to hate someone; to hold a grudge; to be bitter; to slander; to ridicule or demean.
   
   In fact, the Bible is very clear and thorough. It calls us to love our neighbors and our family. Yet it also calls us to love our enemies. There are many great verses to support this:
   
   "Hatred stirs up dissension, but love covers over all wrongs." (Prov 10:12) What divorced person hasn't seen that first part played out in their lives. But have any of us seen the second half played out? Wouldn't that be a nice change of pace.
   
   "But I tell you: Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you...." (Mat 5:44) How many of us pray for our ex -- productive prayers, not bitter prayers. Yet this is what we are commanded to do.
   
   "Do not seek revenge or bear a grudge against one of your people, but love your neighbor as yourself. I am the Lord." (Lev 19:18) This was spoken to the people of Israel, encouraging them to love their fellow Israelite. Our ex-spouse is our neighbor. And this is the command from God Himself. It's very clear. We are to love our neighbor. Therefore we are to love our ex.
   
   "But I tell you who hear me: Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you." (Luke 6:27-28) If this doesn't describe most divorce relationships, I don't know what does.
   
   There are many more verses to illustrate this -- feel free to comment with others. You can't have too much Scripture to prove a point! But the bottom line is simple to state, though perhaps difficult to live out -- love your ex. Whether they are your neighbor, or your enemy, they are to be loved. Period.
   
   
3. Forgive Him/Her
   I think I'll just let the Scriptures speak to this:
   "Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ, God forgave you." (Eph 4:32) It just doesn't get any more clear than that.
   
   
4. Support Them More than the Law Requires
   To the degree this is possible, this, I believe, is something that God requires. And this is one a lot would have a big problem with. I'll pose three proofs for this:
   
   "If your enemy is hungry, give him food to eat; if he is thirsty, give him water to drink. In doing this you will heap burning coals on his head, and the Lord will reward you." (Prov 25:21-22)
   
   "And if someone wants to sue you and take your tunic, let him have your cloak as well. If someone forces you to go one mile, go with him two miles." (Matt 5:40-41)
   
   "But love your enemies, do good to them, and lend to them without expecting to get anything back. Then your reward will be great, and you will be sons of the Most High, because he is kind to the ungrateful and wicked." (Luke 6:35)
   
   
5. Pray for your Ex
   "But I tell you: Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you...." (Mat 5:44) Yeah, I know - I used this one earlier. But it's that good - and that important.
   
   "But I tell you who hear me: Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you." (Luke 6:27-28) Yep, this is a repeat too. But again -- worth repeating.
   
   "Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective." (James 5:16) Who of us who are divorced doesn't need to be healed? And how many of us have yet to confess our sins, especially the sin that may have contributed to the divorce, to another believer? This goes back to accepting responsibility.
   
   "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." (Philp 4:6-7) How many of us worry about our situation, or our custody arrangement, or what our ex will do next? In short -- don't worry about it. Take it to God. And you'll have his peace.
   
   I'm no Bible scholar. I'm just a divorced guy who dearly loves his family - yes, even my ex-wife. By God's grace, I do care for her and pray for her daily. I want His best for her. And I hate that I failed to be the Godly man God called me to be when we were married. I was arguably a good man. I was arguably a good husband. But regrettably, I did not place my relationship with God first and foremost, and therefore, was not a Godly man or husband. I can't change that now. But I can change things from this point forward. And my only motive is this -- because it's what God wants me to do.
   
   Maybe it's preparing me for a new relationship. Maybe it's to be an example for other men in similar situations. Maybe it will pave the way for reconciliation. Or maybe -- just maybe -- it's as simple as this: it's what God wants me to do.
   
   I hope this offers some encouragement to those who are in a similar situation. I'm with God on this one -- I hate divorce. I hate what it's done to me, to her, to our kids especially, and to our families. I hate what it does to Christmas and other special occasions. I hate it. But by trying to be a Godly ex-husband, I believe -- no, I know -- that it will help me be a Godly father and a Godly man, and this will bring peace to our lives.
   
   Next Christmas I hope to have more positive reflections on the year. I hope I will look back upon a year of great spiritual growth and maturation. I hope it will reflect upon my children. And I hope it will honor God.
   
   
   
   Have a happy and blessed 2009!
   
   
   
   

To Christians Unhappy with the Election of Barack Obama

Barack Obama was elected President of the United States on November 4, 2008. Elected. Which means "to choose, to pick out, to select." He was selected by the majority of Americans. But more importantly, he was selected by God.

There are those who say that President Bush is the worst president ever. But, the truth is, he is the perfect president. Perfect for the eight years he will have spent as president. And Barack Obama will be the perfect president for the next four to eight years as well. They both must be. They were each appointed and selected by God. As was every president and other elected leader our nation and localities have ever had.

Here are some things that have annoyed me about my fellow believers, and myself as well, when it comes to having leadership that stands counter to what we believe. We as Christians should put our hope, faith and trust in higher things than the president. If we do, the many issues we have with the incoming president and any other would be null and void:

Abortion
If we do our job as Christians -- to make disciples of all and to love others as Christ loves us -- then that alone would reduce if not nullify the abortion rate in this country. People don't get abortions because they're legal. They get abortions because they have not been introduced to the love of God; to the fact that his laws regarding sexual conduct are there to protect us and help us more enjoy our life. If people had a better understanding of Scripture they would know that human life is sacred -- born, and unborn. We ought not depend on government to pick up the slack where we have let our responsibilities slide. We need to become more "pro-life" and less "anti-abortion."

Welfare
If we do our job as Christians, the state would not have any opportunity to care for the poor. Jesus was very specific in his calling for us to feed the hungry, clothe the poor, care for the infirm, rehabilitate prisoners, etc. -- because we may be doing it to Christ himself. Who held this responsibility before the New Deal and Great Society programs? The church and the community. The church should be putting the state out of this business.

National Security
Radical Islam is one of the greatest threats to this nation. And Islam is the most rapidly growing religion in the world. Why is this the case? Why is it not Christianity? Granted, we don't threaten people to convert as they sometimes do. But one reason Hamas, for example, is popular in Lebanon is because they work to meet the needs of the community in which they are present. Their motives are questionable. But the people WANT Hamas there, in large part. Hamas is their welfare. Christianity presents an indispensable benefit to every community in which it has a presence. In military terms, the only way one army can occupy the territory of another, without combat, is for the other party to give up -- to surrender.

I could go on and on. Prayer in schools -- it wouldn't be necessary if there were more prayer in homes and more godly parents. Sex education in schools -- same thing. If more parents took their responsibilities more seriously then the schools wouldn't have to. And even the economy is not exempt from this. If we as Christians worked to meet the needs of our neighbors -- which is everyone we are in contact with -- would we have as much of a housing crisis? If we practiced the frugality and the principle of tithing that the Bible teaches, would we have a housing crisis? Debt? Credit issues?

The bottom line, and what I've been being convicted of lately, is this:
If we as Christians did our job to the fullest extent of what Christ intended, we would not have the issues we have. There is certainly a role for government, but if we did our job, it wouldn't be a fraction of the size it is today.

The Bible is clear. Our faith, our hope, our trust, our peace, our strength -- is in Christ alone. Not the government. Not a leader. Not a political party. In Christ and Christ alone.

Presdient-elect Obama said, describing the current economic situation, that we have dug ourselves into a deep hole. Well, we as Christians have dug ourselves into another deep hole. But it's never too late to start living the life that God intended his people to live.

Perhaps this is the real calling for Barack Obama. To show God's people that we have lost our way and that if we fulfill our Biblical calling we can show the world that Jesus is the greatest Hope and the greatest source of positive Change possible.

Being an ex-Husband

This is something I never thought I'd be pondering. I always expected to think about being a good husband, a better husband, a godly husband, a sensitive husband, a patient husband, an honest husband, etc. But I never thought I'd be thinking about what it means to be an ex-husband. More importantly, however, what it means to be a Godly ex-husband.

What's clear is what it means to be a worldly ex-husband. That, unfortunately, is easy:

• Denigrate your ex-wife at every opportunity
• Call her nasty names at every opportunity, especially the b-word
• Disparage her to friends and family members -- hers, as well as yours
• Absolve yourself of all the responsibilities toward her that you once had
• Play the field -- date, flirt and mess around as soon as and as much as possible
• Talk poorly about her to your kids
• Be rude and aloof to her parents and other family and friends
• Disrespect her in every possible way
• Ridicule her at every opportunity
• Do nothing more for her than absolutely and legally necessary

Now, the question then, is what does it mean to be a Godly ex-husband? That -- is much trickier. The Bible is very clear on what it means to be a Godly husband. I'm not real clear on what it says about being a Godly ex-husband. But I do know what it says about being a Godly man. So then, why should we not apply that to being a Godly ex-husband?

There is one premise that sticks in my mind that I think is important: She is the mother of my children and the woman to whom I pledged, before God and man, to love and respect for the rest of my life. Does the fact that she opted out of that pledge and pursued divorce change what I pledged -- what I promised? Well, it certainly changes the situation. Largely, she no longer wants (apparently) my love or to be a partner with me. I seldom see her, rarely speak to her, so that certainly reduces any opportunity to express Godly love.

So then, how do I try to be a Godly ex-husband -- no matter what she has done or said:

• Respect her -- do not speak poorly of her to anyone at any time for any reason
  
• Love her -- do not return slight for slight
  
• Forgive her -- I've certainly made my share of screw-ups that contributed to this situation; she's had her moments as well. That she has responsibility in no way minimizes or absolves me of my responsibility.
  
• Support her in whatever way I can -- monetarily, emotionally, spiritually, etc. -- to whatever degree she will accept it
• Do not, under any circumstances, speak poorly of her to my children. Support her as much as possible when speaking to them.
• Love her family. If nothing else, they are still family to my children. One relationship has already been sacrificed in their life -- there's no need for more to be.
• Pray for her. She is going through similar issues as me -- some more so, some less so. As the mother of our children, and their primary caregiver right now, it is imperative that she be lifted up in prayer to be a Godly woman and mother.
• Not be consumed with my own needs. My children need their father. They've already lost their parents. Then can't afford to lose their mother and their father. While I certainly have my needs, the only need of mine that should come before them is my need for a sound relationship with Christ.
• No rush to date. I'm not in a good emotional state for it. Heck, I'm not in a good financial state for it! And it would be added confusion for my kids. They already have confusion about why mommy and daddy don't live together anymore. They already have confusion with their mom having had two men in her life since the separation. They don't need any confusion with their dad. If God sees fit for me to be in another relationship, He will bring that relationship to me. I don't need to seek it out. I just need to seek Him out and all of my other needs will follow.

As when we were married, I'm not always as successful as I'd like to be in these areas. It's a tall order. But this I do know -- when we were married my calling was to love her as Christ loves the church. Now that we are divorced my calling to love "my wife" may be void, though I have my doubts, but my calling to love my neighbor is still intact.

So, here's where I find myself -- I hate the things that have happened. I hate many things she has done. I hate many of the things that I have done. I hate the situation my children are in, through no fault of their own -- hate it. But -- yes, it is true -- I still love my ex-wife. A little differently than when we were married, but I still love her. She is still my neighbor. She is still family, as she is my children's mother. To respond any other way would be to continue to gratify the devil in his schemes to destroy the family even further. Our marriage may be over, but our family is not. And I will not let him take that away.

Please keep my children, me and my ex-wife in your prayers. We all need it. And I, for one, covet it greatly. And if you're in a similar position as me, I hope this provides you some encouragement and a challenge to what I believe God calls us to, even in this difficult position.

Life can be a real drag. But God is always really good!

52 Day Dad

I'm writing this on a Friday night on one of the weekends where I have my kids.

I hate to say it, but it was pretty much an awful day. As far as I can remember it's the first time I've really despaired over my situation. Neither of my children listened to me at all. In fact, they disobeyed and flaunted me more than they have in a long, long time. And, pretty much, all day. It was a very unenjoyable day. I felt like Patrick Swayze's character in Ghost -- I was talking, but no one was listening. I was gesturing, but no one was looking at me. I even tried singing "Henry the Eighth" but they didn't get it and couldn't understand my faux cockney accent (ok, so I'm kidding about that part).

It was the kind of day that got me wondering Can an every-other weekend dad really be a father? I can easily be a playmate, or a buddy. But a real father -- can it really be done? And I really don't know. All I know is that I have to try, no matter how futile it may seem.

When our family was together, we had a routine that included me in their lives pretty consistently. I'd wake up my daughter, dress her, and take her to school. That was a very special time with just the two of us to talk, sing along to songs on the radio, and just have some quality time. When I came home, we'd sometimes have family dinner and most days I would give them their baths and put them to bed. Bedtime was usually very special. I'd give my daughter some books to read while I put my son to bed. I had/have a fun little medley of variations on Beach Boys songs that I sang to him after we read a book together. Often he would do his best to sing along which was always wonderfully cute. I'd do much the same with my daughter -- sing some songs, read a book, and we'd say prayers together. And we would do this most every day and night. Thankfully, I don't have too many regrets on the "If I'd Known" angle. But I do miss these times tremendously.

Currently, I see my children two days every two weeks. That's four days a month and around 52 days a year. Fifty-two days out of three-hundred and sixty-five. Now I do get the odd day with them and holidays and such, and have been trying to work a time to take advantage of a week-long vacation option I have with them, but that's what I know I have with them -- 52 days. It's not enough. Not nearly enough.

Now, on the days I do have them, I am terribly out of the loop. Are they being bad just for me or is this the way they're behaving now? They are getting older and to that age where they become more strong-willed and independent-minded. What are their routines? What is "normal" behavior for them? What are their likes and dislikes -- food, entertainment, music, etc.? How are they being disciplined at home? Are they being disciplined at home? With whom else are they spending quality time (this is the one that kills me most)? I just don't know. Getting even basic information on them from my ex-wife is like getting the truth from a politician -- it's possible, but even when you do, you're not sure you really did!

So I do what I can. I try to make their time with me somewhat educational -- so I'm playing a part in raising them and not just entertaining them. I still discipline them and try to hold to the same rules we had before, but I don't know if it is consistent anymore. I do little things. I ask my boy "Who's the man?" "I am", he replies. "Who's your daddy?" "You are!" he replies. I tell them both, but particularly my daughter that "I am your daddy. I am your only daddy. I will always be your daddy. And you will always be my daughter/son. Some things may change, but that will never change."

My ex is already looking to get engaged, I think (we divorced officially in August 08 and separated in August 07). Her boyfriend (the second one since we separated) has been telling them that he's their step-father. I tell my kids that he is not. That until and if he and mommy get married then he is "mommy's friend". But he is around them, as far as I can discern, every day. He'll pick up Ivey from school. He'll take her to school. He'll put them to bed. But, I maintain to them, he is not their daddy. He never will be. He may become their stepdad. But he will never be their dad. That is me, and that will always be me.

I tried talking to my daughter about such things today and thought I had her attention until she glanced up at me and said "I wish I had three hands!" At that point I realized that there really are no serious conversations with six year olds! I'm not even going to attempt it with my 3-year old!

There is, however, one thing I know, and one thing that sustains me -- God is in control. Not me. Not my ex. And not my children. God. And He knows tomorrow better than we know yesterday. He sees my life as one big mural, from start to finish in one large representation. I see my life as a book -- a book in which I cannot skip ahead. Or like a TV series where you never know beyond the current episode -- and with no previews of next week!

And God has given me this peace and knowledge -- that while I may only be with my kids for 52 days out of the year, I am now, always have been, and always will be -- their father. The more time I can get with them the better -- on the phone, in letters, with pictures in their rooms -- this all helps. But one-on-one time is unmatched.

And it reminds me of my relationship with God -- 52 days out of the year. One Sunday a week. It's not enough. It will never be enough. True -- he will still be my father, no matter what changes my life may see. But every little bit of contact I can get with Him is helpful. And one-on-one time is best. But no matter what, he will always be my Father. And for that, I am eternally grateful and will seek daily to find more days and more ways to spend with Him.

The most must be made of every opportunity -- opportunities for me to spend time with my Heavenly Father, and opportunities for my children to spend time with their father. It is the only way the proper relationship can be sustained.

Leadership by Example anyone?

As I sit here and ponder the economic situation and the presidential race, I wonder why no one else seems to be seeing what I'm seeing. Here's the situation:

The US Government is $10 trillion in debt. Yes, trillion. Or, for visual effect - $10,000,000,000,000. Wow. And even more frightening - if that's possible - nearly 20% of that is to China. Russia even qualified at owning 2% of US treasury notes. Japan, our former enemy, owns the most of us at almost 23% of all US treasure notes.

So -- given this little tidbit -- is it any wonder that Americans in general are drowning in debt, losing houses, and our financial institutions are failing?

Listening to the presidential candidates isn't much consolation. At least McCain "talks" about cutting spending. He's even had the guts to mention a federal spending freeze -- it'll never happen, but I think he gets points just for mentioning it. Obama, on the other hand, goes on and on and on about all the programs and things he wants to do. Yes, he talks about 95% of the population getting an income tax cut. But the truth is 40% of Americans don't pay taxes at all. And those that do will "pay" their usual taxes, but Obama plans to credit some back. But here's the kicker -- to pay for all his programs and project he will raise taxes on businesses of all sizes -- small and large (read: your employers and vendors and suppliers and manufacturers and distributors, etc.) and raising taxes on your investment earnings. So -- you may get a tax break under Obama -- but you probably won't make any more either as your employer will see their taxes go up. And to cap it off, he's also talking about a second stimulous package. So what's wrong with that? To pay for the first one we had to borrow the money -- from CHINA! And now he wants to do that again? Please!

Leadership is not saying what you will do. Leadership is not even "doing" necessarily. Leadership is showing those you lead how they should proceed by setting an example for them. All I hear from Obama are all the nice-sounding projects he wishes to pursue (kind of like the "affordable housing" push of the 90s that he was involved in with ACORN... you know, the one that buried Fannie May and Freddie Mac?).

We need someone who has the courage to stand up there and say "this country is heading rapidly in the wrong direction and IT MUST STOP." And it's heading that way because our government -- Congress and the President -- both parties -- have led it that way. Our we surprised that our citizenry is in debt when our nation is as well? We shouldn't be.

Here's what I'd like to hear when a reporter or debate moderator asks a candidate what they will do for this country:

"We're going to start leading by example. We're going to do whatever we have to do to get this country out of debt -- first and foremost. We're going to do whatever we have to do to have a balanced budget. And just like when you do it in your own household, it might hurt for a time. But we must reclaim our sovereignty and our dignity and our position as a world leader. This is no time for politics or partisanship. This is a time for leadership by example. And the President, as leader of this country, must show the way. We need to re-evaluate the way we do everything -- make decisions, set priorities, set goals, etc. We need to operate responsibly and with accountability. When the government sets such a positive example, the rest of the nation will follow."

And yes, I believe that such things would happen. If there is a candidate out there who would say such a thing it would be John McCain. If he can get free of his "handlers" he just might. But so far I'm not seeing it.

We don't just need leadership. We need leadership by example -- true leadership.

Anyone? Anyone? Bueller? Bueller? Sheesh....

My Random Thoughts on Divorce and Parenthood

On both counts, all I can really say is Thank God for my Sense of Humor! Please don't take all of this too seriously -- some of these ruminations are just coping mechanisms!

Since I've been separated and divorced I'm finding that I'm right much more now than I was when I was married!

I have found ways to save money and be more environmentally friendly -- I drink the milk out of the jug; use the same cereal bowl over and over again (just soak it in water between uses), and on the rare occasion I cook I eat right out of the pot. Less water used, less power used by the dishwasher, fewer dirty dishes! Who says a conservative can't be green! He just can't do it if he's married!!

I bought tan towels. They don't have to be washed as often. Again -- environmentally friendly!

The time I have with my kids is much more precious. When the family was together the weekends were split up amongst family time, spouse time, self-time, yard time, house time, football time, etc. Now, I get one weekend to do all my running around, sleeping in, football watching, chores (Ha! Like I have those now!). And when I have my kids -- the whole weekend is devoted entirely to them! I kind of like that part of it!

I can be friendly to waitresses, cashiers, etc. without looking like a flirtatious husband. Now I just look like a creepy older single guy. Ok... maybe that's not such an advantage...

When I took my kids to Clemson so my 6yo daughter could participate in a one-day cheerleader mini-camp, I had the sad realization, as I was in the midst of all those Clemson cheerleaders and Rally Cats (the dance team), that my 3yo son was closer in age to those girls than me -- unless they were seniors, then it was a draw. However -- I have a job, a car and am potty trained! That's gotta count for something, right?

Being a parent produces very conflicting emotions -- I love having them with me and spending time with them, yet I also typically can't wait until they go to bed! At which point I will peek in on them while they're sleeping and look at them when they're quiet, sitting still, and not hitting each other! Ah..... peaceful....

If my ex-wife is not conducting herself or our relationship in a way that is rational and logical -- I can call my attorney! Soon thereafter, I get a phone call or a text where she concedes how what I was talking about makes sense! It's almost worth the small fortune that he gets paid!

During the week if I can't find some of my clothes or something, I KNOW it is MY fault -- not just told it is!

If my kids want sweets or caffeine or things like that -- I can give it to them -- on the way to taking them back to their mom :)

When I hang a picture or mirror in my new place - it's always hung in the right place the first time!

How I Deal with My Divorce

Divorce sucks. There's nothing else really to say. For a dad who dearly and deeply loves his kids to only get to see them 52 days out of the year (every other weekend) is a travesty and a literal pain. It hurts to not know what's going on with them in school and with their friends as I would were we together as a family. It hurts to have to ask to spend time with them. It really hurts to have to take them back. I get by with little things -- but things that help.

• I keep toys of theirs in the front seat of my car
• I have surrounded myself with their pictures at work
• I keep their pillows on my bed with me when they're not staying here
• I seldom put up their toys when they leave - I like it to look as though they'll be right back
• I pray for them daily -- multiple times
• I listen for music that reminds me of them and then download it to listen to again and again
• I put pictures of them up on every wall I have
• I keep every picture they draw and/or color or any crafts they do at church
• I make up songs about them, usually based on pop songs I already know -- for example:
  "Nathan Boy" or "Ivey Girl" - to the tune of Surfer Girl by the Beach Boys
  "I Love My Children" to the tune of I Love My Music by Kenny Loggins
  there's many more but I have my XM on right now and it makes it hard to think!
• I occupy much of my time organizing and making photo shows of their pictures
• I do the same with the few videos of them that I have
• Sometimes I even talk to them -- even though they're not here
• I'd like to talk to them on the phone, but their mother is asking that I pay into a prepaid cell phone to do so -- so we're working on that!
• I love them every minute of every day, and tell them so, even when they're not here

There's an odd benefit to being a divorced dad -- the times that I get my kids are so relatively few and far between that every moment is so much more treasured and valued than it ever was. When I have them the time is ours -- and no one else's.

When they're at my house, I'll often come out to look at them while they sleep. I've even taken pictures of them sleeping. I'll touch their cheek, or rest my hand on their chest to feel them breathe.

Not a moment is taken for granted. I try to milk every moment out of the time I have with them. Even in the best of circumstances for parents, the lives of their children fly by. Even more so now.

When we separated, my daughter was in to My Little Pony. Now it's Hannah Montana. My son was into choo-choo trains. Now it's Batman.

I am no longer one of the primary influences in their lives. There are others. I don't judge them because I don't know them, but I do know that they do not trump me -- and no one, no one -- absolutely no one -- loves them more than I do.

And that love -- combined with the limitless grace of God -- is what gets me by every day.

"I love my kids." It's what I say daily, thoughout the day even. And it is more true than words could ever begin to express.

Anatomy of a Divorce

I always said that it would never happen to me. It wasn't an option, even. It's what my wife said as well -- significant since she was a child of divorce. Not me, however. I had great parents and a strong family. I had a good church and good friends. We've been separated over a year now and divorced for about a month. During this time I've had many opportunities to reflect on what happened and why. Here's what I've come up with so far -- both to satisfy your curiosity and hopefully help others avoid it.

Prior to our marriage I was heavily involved in Promise Keepers at my church. I went every year for maybe six years and also went to the big Stand in the Gap rally in DC. I was also involved with my church's men's ministry, as well as the youth and other ministries. At this point, the best I can do is associate it with attending many football camps and reading many books on football. I had the academic knowledge down fairly well, I thought. I thought that I'd be so prepared that when I did get married I'd be able to hit the field running, so to speak.

Let's stick with the football analogy. It works for me, anyway!

Prior to getting married I studied all the plays and strategies, and was familiar with all of the exercises and work-outs involved. I had a pretty good understanding of what it took to play football (don't forget -- it's an analogy!). After our engagement, I let some of my discipline slip. I didn't spend as much time in the Word. I was not a spiritual leader. I let her dictate too much of such things. In short, I didn't put into practice what I had learned. I took it for granted, I guess, and still figured that I knew enough to be a starting quarterback.

After our marriage, I still had that confidence, but did very little in the way of practicing and working out. I didn't assert leadership -- seldom anyway -- because it was often met with resistance. I can't speak to why -- I can only speak to me. But probably the biggest problem was that I let a bad habit linger on into my marriage. What it is isn't important -- suffice it to say that it was not beneficial to my marriage. In fact, it was quite counterproductive and detrimental.

We went to counseling often. Call it "meetings with the coach." But more often than not the focus was turned onto the other person rather than internally. It's like a player telling the other players what they're doing wrong rather than focusing on their own game. It breeds animosity and divisiveness and accomplishes nothing good.

Throughout our short yet long five years, there were many things I did wrong or could have done better. I knew that. But didn't do anything to address them. Well, I did -- off and on. But never enough too really full-out address the problem.

So -- now we have a quarterback who brought into the game a bad habit that distracts him from his game, who does not take sufficient leadership -- despite the resistance, who does not put himself into practice and preparation, who does not seek the advice or input of the coach, and who failed to fully address problems in his game. Sounds like Ryan Leaf or someone like that to me. Lots of potential. Little payoff.

Now I'm not saying that it's all my fault. Far from it. But as the man -- as the spiritual leader -- I must take full responsibility. As a team -- you can't have an offense without a defense, and vice versa. Both parties are needed. Needed.

Ultimately, it all fell apart. And, from my perspective, it was an opening that had been anticipated. Probably not consciously, but it was certainly pounced upon.

So -- lest I ramble on, which I have a bad habit of doing -- the morale? You are never ready for marriage. A wedding is an event. To marry is an action. Marriage is a process. It requires a great deal of commitment and pain. The quarterback, the husband, has to be able to take hits -- both from his spouse (it happens), his friends, society, and, of course, the devil. He has to listen to his coach -- God. He has to immerse himself in the game plans -- the Bible. He can never get complacent and think that because he's read all the books he's got it made. Or that because he was a great high school quarterback (boyfriend) he'll be a great pro quarterback (husband).

The great ones always practice and are never satisfied. They are consummate leaders, even if it means temporary strife with his teammates. And they will take a shot for the team. They'll sacrifice their body for a win. "They" are not important -- only the team.

So.. there's certainly more to my divorce than stated here. There was no adultery on my part. There was no violence. There was none of the "big stuff". But it's seldom the big stuff that does someone in. It's the little things.

And when the quarterback fails -- no matter how much he is at fault -- the team pays. That's the hardest part. I love my kids more than anything. If it's possible to love them too much -- I do. And now I only see them every other weekend. 52 days a year. Out of 365. I'm supposed to be able to talk to them in the evenings, but there's issues there. I'm supposed to be able to see them on Thursdays, but there's issues there as well.

The devil knows where to hit us where it hurts the most. And where it leaves the most damage. It is definitely avoidable. But it takes a team, and it takes a humble team leader -- one who listens and follows what the coach preaches.