Being an ex-Husband

This is something I never thought I'd be pondering. I always expected to think about being a good husband, a better husband, a godly husband, a sensitive husband, a patient husband, an honest husband, etc. But I never thought I'd be thinking about what it means to be an ex-husband. More importantly, however, what it means to be a Godly ex-husband.

What's clear is what it means to be a worldly ex-husband. That, unfortunately, is easy:

• Denigrate your ex-wife at every opportunity
• Call her nasty names at every opportunity, especially the b-word
• Disparage her to friends and family members -- hers, as well as yours
• Absolve yourself of all the responsibilities toward her that you once had
• Play the field -- date, flirt and mess around as soon as and as much as possible
• Talk poorly about her to your kids
• Be rude and aloof to her parents and other family and friends
• Disrespect her in every possible way
• Ridicule her at every opportunity
• Do nothing more for her than absolutely and legally necessary

Now, the question then, is what does it mean to be a Godly ex-husband? That -- is much trickier. The Bible is very clear on what it means to be a Godly husband. I'm not real clear on what it says about being a Godly ex-husband. But I do know what it says about being a Godly man. So then, why should we not apply that to being a Godly ex-husband?

There is one premise that sticks in my mind that I think is important: She is the mother of my children and the woman to whom I pledged, before God and man, to love and respect for the rest of my life. Does the fact that she opted out of that pledge and pursued divorce change what I pledged -- what I promised? Well, it certainly changes the situation. Largely, she no longer wants (apparently) my love or to be a partner with me. I seldom see her, rarely speak to her, so that certainly reduces any opportunity to express Godly love.

So then, how do I try to be a Godly ex-husband -- no matter what she has done or said:

• Respect her -- do not speak poorly of her to anyone at any time for any reason
  
• Love her -- do not return slight for slight
  
• Forgive her -- I've certainly made my share of screw-ups that contributed to this situation; she's had her moments as well. That she has responsibility in no way minimizes or absolves me of my responsibility.
  
• Support her in whatever way I can -- monetarily, emotionally, spiritually, etc. -- to whatever degree she will accept it
• Do not, under any circumstances, speak poorly of her to my children. Support her as much as possible when speaking to them.
• Love her family. If nothing else, they are still family to my children. One relationship has already been sacrificed in their life -- there's no need for more to be.
• Pray for her. She is going through similar issues as me -- some more so, some less so. As the mother of our children, and their primary caregiver right now, it is imperative that she be lifted up in prayer to be a Godly woman and mother.
• Not be consumed with my own needs. My children need their father. They've already lost their parents. Then can't afford to lose their mother and their father. While I certainly have my needs, the only need of mine that should come before them is my need for a sound relationship with Christ.
• No rush to date. I'm not in a good emotional state for it. Heck, I'm not in a good financial state for it! And it would be added confusion for my kids. They already have confusion about why mommy and daddy don't live together anymore. They already have confusion with their mom having had two men in her life since the separation. They don't need any confusion with their dad. If God sees fit for me to be in another relationship, He will bring that relationship to me. I don't need to seek it out. I just need to seek Him out and all of my other needs will follow.

As when we were married, I'm not always as successful as I'd like to be in these areas. It's a tall order. But this I do know -- when we were married my calling was to love her as Christ loves the church. Now that we are divorced my calling to love "my wife" may be void, though I have my doubts, but my calling to love my neighbor is still intact.

So, here's where I find myself -- I hate the things that have happened. I hate many things she has done. I hate many of the things that I have done. I hate the situation my children are in, through no fault of their own -- hate it. But -- yes, it is true -- I still love my ex-wife. A little differently than when we were married, but I still love her. She is still my neighbor. She is still family, as she is my children's mother. To respond any other way would be to continue to gratify the devil in his schemes to destroy the family even further. Our marriage may be over, but our family is not. And I will not let him take that away.

Please keep my children, me and my ex-wife in your prayers. We all need it. And I, for one, covet it greatly. And if you're in a similar position as me, I hope this provides you some encouragement and a challenge to what I believe God calls us to, even in this difficult position.

Life can be a real drag. But God is always really good!

52 Day Dad

I'm writing this on a Friday night on one of the weekends where I have my kids.

I hate to say it, but it was pretty much an awful day. As far as I can remember it's the first time I've really despaired over my situation. Neither of my children listened to me at all. In fact, they disobeyed and flaunted me more than they have in a long, long time. And, pretty much, all day. It was a very unenjoyable day. I felt like Patrick Swayze's character in Ghost -- I was talking, but no one was listening. I was gesturing, but no one was looking at me. I even tried singing "Henry the Eighth" but they didn't get it and couldn't understand my faux cockney accent (ok, so I'm kidding about that part).

It was the kind of day that got me wondering Can an every-other weekend dad really be a father? I can easily be a playmate, or a buddy. But a real father -- can it really be done? And I really don't know. All I know is that I have to try, no matter how futile it may seem.

When our family was together, we had a routine that included me in their lives pretty consistently. I'd wake up my daughter, dress her, and take her to school. That was a very special time with just the two of us to talk, sing along to songs on the radio, and just have some quality time. When I came home, we'd sometimes have family dinner and most days I would give them their baths and put them to bed. Bedtime was usually very special. I'd give my daughter some books to read while I put my son to bed. I had/have a fun little medley of variations on Beach Boys songs that I sang to him after we read a book together. Often he would do his best to sing along which was always wonderfully cute. I'd do much the same with my daughter -- sing some songs, read a book, and we'd say prayers together. And we would do this most every day and night. Thankfully, I don't have too many regrets on the "If I'd Known" angle. But I do miss these times tremendously.

Currently, I see my children two days every two weeks. That's four days a month and around 52 days a year. Fifty-two days out of three-hundred and sixty-five. Now I do get the odd day with them and holidays and such, and have been trying to work a time to take advantage of a week-long vacation option I have with them, but that's what I know I have with them -- 52 days. It's not enough. Not nearly enough.

Now, on the days I do have them, I am terribly out of the loop. Are they being bad just for me or is this the way they're behaving now? They are getting older and to that age where they become more strong-willed and independent-minded. What are their routines? What is "normal" behavior for them? What are their likes and dislikes -- food, entertainment, music, etc.? How are they being disciplined at home? Are they being disciplined at home? With whom else are they spending quality time (this is the one that kills me most)? I just don't know. Getting even basic information on them from my ex-wife is like getting the truth from a politician -- it's possible, but even when you do, you're not sure you really did!

So I do what I can. I try to make their time with me somewhat educational -- so I'm playing a part in raising them and not just entertaining them. I still discipline them and try to hold to the same rules we had before, but I don't know if it is consistent anymore. I do little things. I ask my boy "Who's the man?" "I am", he replies. "Who's your daddy?" "You are!" he replies. I tell them both, but particularly my daughter that "I am your daddy. I am your only daddy. I will always be your daddy. And you will always be my daughter/son. Some things may change, but that will never change."

My ex is already looking to get engaged, I think (we divorced officially in August 08 and separated in August 07). Her boyfriend (the second one since we separated) has been telling them that he's their step-father. I tell my kids that he is not. That until and if he and mommy get married then he is "mommy's friend". But he is around them, as far as I can discern, every day. He'll pick up Ivey from school. He'll take her to school. He'll put them to bed. But, I maintain to them, he is not their daddy. He never will be. He may become their stepdad. But he will never be their dad. That is me, and that will always be me.

I tried talking to my daughter about such things today and thought I had her attention until she glanced up at me and said "I wish I had three hands!" At that point I realized that there really are no serious conversations with six year olds! I'm not even going to attempt it with my 3-year old!

There is, however, one thing I know, and one thing that sustains me -- God is in control. Not me. Not my ex. And not my children. God. And He knows tomorrow better than we know yesterday. He sees my life as one big mural, from start to finish in one large representation. I see my life as a book -- a book in which I cannot skip ahead. Or like a TV series where you never know beyond the current episode -- and with no previews of next week!

And God has given me this peace and knowledge -- that while I may only be with my kids for 52 days out of the year, I am now, always have been, and always will be -- their father. The more time I can get with them the better -- on the phone, in letters, with pictures in their rooms -- this all helps. But one-on-one time is unmatched.

And it reminds me of my relationship with God -- 52 days out of the year. One Sunday a week. It's not enough. It will never be enough. True -- he will still be my father, no matter what changes my life may see. But every little bit of contact I can get with Him is helpful. And one-on-one time is best. But no matter what, he will always be my Father. And for that, I am eternally grateful and will seek daily to find more days and more ways to spend with Him.

The most must be made of every opportunity -- opportunities for me to spend time with my Heavenly Father, and opportunities for my children to spend time with their father. It is the only way the proper relationship can be sustained.

Leadership by Example anyone?

As I sit here and ponder the economic situation and the presidential race, I wonder why no one else seems to be seeing what I'm seeing. Here's the situation:

The US Government is $10 trillion in debt. Yes, trillion. Or, for visual effect - $10,000,000,000,000. Wow. And even more frightening - if that's possible - nearly 20% of that is to China. Russia even qualified at owning 2% of US treasury notes. Japan, our former enemy, owns the most of us at almost 23% of all US treasure notes.

So -- given this little tidbit -- is it any wonder that Americans in general are drowning in debt, losing houses, and our financial institutions are failing?

Listening to the presidential candidates isn't much consolation. At least McCain "talks" about cutting spending. He's even had the guts to mention a federal spending freeze -- it'll never happen, but I think he gets points just for mentioning it. Obama, on the other hand, goes on and on and on about all the programs and things he wants to do. Yes, he talks about 95% of the population getting an income tax cut. But the truth is 40% of Americans don't pay taxes at all. And those that do will "pay" their usual taxes, but Obama plans to credit some back. But here's the kicker -- to pay for all his programs and project he will raise taxes on businesses of all sizes -- small and large (read: your employers and vendors and suppliers and manufacturers and distributors, etc.) and raising taxes on your investment earnings. So -- you may get a tax break under Obama -- but you probably won't make any more either as your employer will see their taxes go up. And to cap it off, he's also talking about a second stimulous package. So what's wrong with that? To pay for the first one we had to borrow the money -- from CHINA! And now he wants to do that again? Please!

Leadership is not saying what you will do. Leadership is not even "doing" necessarily. Leadership is showing those you lead how they should proceed by setting an example for them. All I hear from Obama are all the nice-sounding projects he wishes to pursue (kind of like the "affordable housing" push of the 90s that he was involved in with ACORN... you know, the one that buried Fannie May and Freddie Mac?).

We need someone who has the courage to stand up there and say "this country is heading rapidly in the wrong direction and IT MUST STOP." And it's heading that way because our government -- Congress and the President -- both parties -- have led it that way. Our we surprised that our citizenry is in debt when our nation is as well? We shouldn't be.

Here's what I'd like to hear when a reporter or debate moderator asks a candidate what they will do for this country:

"We're going to start leading by example. We're going to do whatever we have to do to get this country out of debt -- first and foremost. We're going to do whatever we have to do to have a balanced budget. And just like when you do it in your own household, it might hurt for a time. But we must reclaim our sovereignty and our dignity and our position as a world leader. This is no time for politics or partisanship. This is a time for leadership by example. And the President, as leader of this country, must show the way. We need to re-evaluate the way we do everything -- make decisions, set priorities, set goals, etc. We need to operate responsibly and with accountability. When the government sets such a positive example, the rest of the nation will follow."

And yes, I believe that such things would happen. If there is a candidate out there who would say such a thing it would be John McCain. If he can get free of his "handlers" he just might. But so far I'm not seeing it.

We don't just need leadership. We need leadership by example -- true leadership.

Anyone? Anyone? Bueller? Bueller? Sheesh....