On both counts, all I can really say is Thank God for my Sense of Humor! Please don't take all of this too seriously -- some of these ruminations are just coping mechanisms!
Since I've been separated and divorced I'm finding that I'm right much more now than I was when I was married!
I have found ways to save money and be more environmentally friendly -- I drink the milk out of the jug; use the same cereal bowl over and over again (just soak it in water between uses), and on the rare occasion I cook I eat right out of the pot. Less water used, less power used by the dishwasher, fewer dirty dishes! Who says a conservative can't be green! He just can't do it if he's married!!
I bought tan towels. They don't have to be washed as often. Again -- environmentally friendly!
The time I have with my kids is much more precious. When the family was together the weekends were split up amongst family time, spouse time, self-time, yard time, house time, football time, etc. Now, I get one weekend to do all my running around, sleeping in, football watching, chores (Ha! Like I have those now!). And when I have my kids -- the whole weekend is devoted entirely to them! I kind of like that part of it!
I can be friendly to waitresses, cashiers, etc. without looking like a flirtatious husband. Now I just look like a creepy older single guy. Ok... maybe that's not such an advantage...
When I took my kids to Clemson so my 6yo daughter could participate in a one-day cheerleader mini-camp, I had the sad realization, as I was in the midst of all those Clemson cheerleaders and Rally Cats (the dance team), that my 3yo son was closer in age to those girls than me -- unless they were seniors, then it was a draw. However -- I have a job, a car and am potty trained! That's gotta count for something, right?
Being a parent produces very conflicting emotions -- I love having them with me and spending time with them, yet I also typically can't wait until they go to bed! At which point I will peek in on them while they're sleeping and look at them when they're quiet, sitting still, and not hitting each other! Ah..... peaceful....
If my ex-wife is not conducting herself or our relationship in a way that is rational and logical -- I can call my attorney! Soon thereafter, I get a phone call or a text where she concedes how what I was talking about makes sense! It's almost worth the small fortune that he gets paid!
During the week if I can't find some of my clothes or something, I KNOW it is MY fault -- not just told it is!
If my kids want sweets or caffeine or things like that -- I can give it to them -- on the way to taking them back to their mom :)
When I hang a picture or mirror in my new place - it's always hung in the right place the first time!
Saturday, September 27, 2008
Thursday, September 25, 2008
How I Deal with My Divorce
Divorce sucks. There's nothing else really to say. For a dad who dearly and deeply loves his kids to only get to see them 52 days out of the year (every other weekend) is a travesty and a literal pain. It hurts to not know what's going on with them in school and with their friends as I would were we together as a family. It hurts to have to ask to spend time with them. It really hurts to have to take them back. I get by with little things -- but things that help.
When they're at my house, I'll often come out to look at them while they sleep. I've even taken pictures of them sleeping. I'll touch their cheek, or rest my hand on their chest to feel them breathe.
Not a moment is taken for granted. I try to milk every moment out of the time I have with them. Even in the best of circumstances for parents, the lives of their children fly by. Even more so now.
When we separated, my daughter was in to My Little Pony. Now it's Hannah Montana. My son was into choo-choo trains. Now it's Batman.
I am no longer one of the primary influences in their lives. There are others. I don't judge them because I don't know them, but I do know that they do not trump me -- and no one, no one -- absolutely no one -- loves them more than I do.
And that love -- combined with the limitless grace of God -- is what gets me by every day.
"I love my kids." It's what I say daily, thoughout the day even. And it is more true than words could ever begin to express.
- I keep toys of theirs in the front seat of my car
- I have surrounded myself with their pictures at work
- I keep their pillows on my bed with me when they're not staying here
- I seldom put up their toys when they leave - I like it to look as though they'll be right back
- I pray for them daily -- multiple times
- I listen for music that reminds me of them and then download it to listen to again and again
- I put pictures of them up on every wall I have
- I keep every picture they draw and/or color or any crafts they do at church
- I make up songs about them, usually based on pop songs I already know -- for example:
"Nathan Boy" or "Ivey Girl" - to the tune of Surfer Girl by the Beach Boys
"I Love My Children" to the tune of I Love My Music by Kenny Loggins
there's many more but I have my XM on right now and it makes it hard to think! - I occupy much of my time organizing and making photo shows of their pictures
- I do the same with the few videos of them that I have
- Sometimes I even talk to them -- even though they're not here
- I'd like to talk to them on the phone, but their mother is asking that I pay into a prepaid cell phone to do so -- so we're working on that!
- I love them every minute of every day, and tell them so, even when they're not here
When they're at my house, I'll often come out to look at them while they sleep. I've even taken pictures of them sleeping. I'll touch their cheek, or rest my hand on their chest to feel them breathe.
Not a moment is taken for granted. I try to milk every moment out of the time I have with them. Even in the best of circumstances for parents, the lives of their children fly by. Even more so now.
When we separated, my daughter was in to My Little Pony. Now it's Hannah Montana. My son was into choo-choo trains. Now it's Batman.
I am no longer one of the primary influences in their lives. There are others. I don't judge them because I don't know them, but I do know that they do not trump me -- and no one, no one -- absolutely no one -- loves them more than I do.
And that love -- combined with the limitless grace of God -- is what gets me by every day.
"I love my kids." It's what I say daily, thoughout the day even. And it is more true than words could ever begin to express.
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
Anatomy of a Divorce
I always said that it would never happen to me. It wasn't an option, even. It's what my wife said as well -- significant since she was a child of divorce. Not me, however. I had great parents and a strong family. I had a good church and good friends. We've been separated over a year now and divorced for about a month. During this time I've had many opportunities to reflect on what happened and why. Here's what I've come up with so far -- both to satisfy your curiosity and hopefully help others avoid it.
Prior to our marriage I was heavily involved in Promise Keepers at my church. I went every year for maybe six years and also went to the big Stand in the Gap rally in DC. I was also involved with my church's men's ministry, as well as the youth and other ministries. At this point, the best I can do is associate it with attending many football camps and reading many books on football. I had the academic knowledge down fairly well, I thought. I thought that I'd be so prepared that when I did get married I'd be able to hit the field running, so to speak.
Let's stick with the football analogy. It works for me, anyway!
Prior to getting married I studied all the plays and strategies, and was familiar with all of the exercises and work-outs involved. I had a pretty good understanding of what it took to play football (don't forget -- it's an analogy!). After our engagement, I let some of my discipline slip. I didn't spend as much time in the Word. I was not a spiritual leader. I let her dictate too much of such things. In short, I didn't put into practice what I had learned. I took it for granted, I guess, and still figured that I knew enough to be a starting quarterback.
After our marriage, I still had that confidence, but did very little in the way of practicing and working out. I didn't assert leadership -- seldom anyway -- because it was often met with resistance. I can't speak to why -- I can only speak to me. But probably the biggest problem was that I let a bad habit linger on into my marriage. What it is isn't important -- suffice it to say that it was not beneficial to my marriage. In fact, it was quite counterproductive and detrimental.
We went to counseling often. Call it "meetings with the coach." But more often than not the focus was turned onto the other person rather than internally. It's like a player telling the other players what they're doing wrong rather than focusing on their own game. It breeds animosity and divisiveness and accomplishes nothing good.
Throughout our short yet long five years, there were many things I did wrong or could have done better. I knew that. But didn't do anything to address them. Well, I did -- off and on. But never enough too really full-out address the problem.
So -- now we have a quarterback who brought into the game a bad habit that distracts him from his game, who does not take sufficient leadership -- despite the resistance, who does not put himself into practice and preparation, who does not seek the advice or input of the coach, and who failed to fully address problems in his game. Sounds like Ryan Leaf or someone like that to me. Lots of potential. Little payoff.
Now I'm not saying that it's all my fault. Far from it. But as the man -- as the spiritual leader -- I must take full responsibility. As a team -- you can't have an offense without a defense, and vice versa. Both parties are needed. Needed.
Ultimately, it all fell apart. And, from my perspective, it was an opening that had been anticipated. Probably not consciously, but it was certainly pounced upon.
So -- lest I ramble on, which I have a bad habit of doing -- the morale? You are never ready for marriage. A wedding is an event. To marry is an action. Marriage is a process. It requires a great deal of commitment and pain. The quarterback, the husband, has to be able to take hits -- both from his spouse (it happens), his friends, society, and, of course, the devil. He has to listen to his coach -- God. He has to immerse himself in the game plans -- the Bible. He can never get complacent and think that because he's read all the books he's got it made. Or that because he was a great high school quarterback (boyfriend) he'll be a great pro quarterback (husband).
The great ones always practice and are never satisfied. They are consummate leaders, even if it means temporary strife with his teammates. And they will take a shot for the team. They'll sacrifice their body for a win. "They" are not important -- only the team.
So.. there's certainly more to my divorce than stated here. There was no adultery on my part. There was no violence. There was none of the "big stuff". But it's seldom the big stuff that does someone in. It's the little things.
And when the quarterback fails -- no matter how much he is at fault -- the team pays. That's the hardest part. I love my kids more than anything. If it's possible to love them too much -- I do. And now I only see them every other weekend. 52 days a year. Out of 365. I'm supposed to be able to talk to them in the evenings, but there's issues there. I'm supposed to be able to see them on Thursdays, but there's issues there as well.
The devil knows where to hit us where it hurts the most. And where it leaves the most damage. It is definitely avoidable. But it takes a team, and it takes a humble team leader -- one who listens and follows what the coach preaches.
Prior to our marriage I was heavily involved in Promise Keepers at my church. I went every year for maybe six years and also went to the big Stand in the Gap rally in DC. I was also involved with my church's men's ministry, as well as the youth and other ministries. At this point, the best I can do is associate it with attending many football camps and reading many books on football. I had the academic knowledge down fairly well, I thought. I thought that I'd be so prepared that when I did get married I'd be able to hit the field running, so to speak.
Let's stick with the football analogy. It works for me, anyway!
Prior to getting married I studied all the plays and strategies, and was familiar with all of the exercises and work-outs involved. I had a pretty good understanding of what it took to play football (don't forget -- it's an analogy!). After our engagement, I let some of my discipline slip. I didn't spend as much time in the Word. I was not a spiritual leader. I let her dictate too much of such things. In short, I didn't put into practice what I had learned. I took it for granted, I guess, and still figured that I knew enough to be a starting quarterback.
After our marriage, I still had that confidence, but did very little in the way of practicing and working out. I didn't assert leadership -- seldom anyway -- because it was often met with resistance. I can't speak to why -- I can only speak to me. But probably the biggest problem was that I let a bad habit linger on into my marriage. What it is isn't important -- suffice it to say that it was not beneficial to my marriage. In fact, it was quite counterproductive and detrimental.
We went to counseling often. Call it "meetings with the coach." But more often than not the focus was turned onto the other person rather than internally. It's like a player telling the other players what they're doing wrong rather than focusing on their own game. It breeds animosity and divisiveness and accomplishes nothing good.
Throughout our short yet long five years, there were many things I did wrong or could have done better. I knew that. But didn't do anything to address them. Well, I did -- off and on. But never enough too really full-out address the problem.
So -- now we have a quarterback who brought into the game a bad habit that distracts him from his game, who does not take sufficient leadership -- despite the resistance, who does not put himself into practice and preparation, who does not seek the advice or input of the coach, and who failed to fully address problems in his game. Sounds like Ryan Leaf or someone like that to me. Lots of potential. Little payoff.
Now I'm not saying that it's all my fault. Far from it. But as the man -- as the spiritual leader -- I must take full responsibility. As a team -- you can't have an offense without a defense, and vice versa. Both parties are needed. Needed.
Ultimately, it all fell apart. And, from my perspective, it was an opening that had been anticipated. Probably not consciously, but it was certainly pounced upon.
So -- lest I ramble on, which I have a bad habit of doing -- the morale? You are never ready for marriage. A wedding is an event. To marry is an action. Marriage is a process. It requires a great deal of commitment and pain. The quarterback, the husband, has to be able to take hits -- both from his spouse (it happens), his friends, society, and, of course, the devil. He has to listen to his coach -- God. He has to immerse himself in the game plans -- the Bible. He can never get complacent and think that because he's read all the books he's got it made. Or that because he was a great high school quarterback (boyfriend) he'll be a great pro quarterback (husband).
The great ones always practice and are never satisfied. They are consummate leaders, even if it means temporary strife with his teammates. And they will take a shot for the team. They'll sacrifice their body for a win. "They" are not important -- only the team.
So.. there's certainly more to my divorce than stated here. There was no adultery on my part. There was no violence. There was none of the "big stuff". But it's seldom the big stuff that does someone in. It's the little things.
And when the quarterback fails -- no matter how much he is at fault -- the team pays. That's the hardest part. I love my kids more than anything. If it's possible to love them too much -- I do. And now I only see them every other weekend. 52 days a year. Out of 365. I'm supposed to be able to talk to them in the evenings, but there's issues there. I'm supposed to be able to see them on Thursdays, but there's issues there as well.
The devil knows where to hit us where it hurts the most. And where it leaves the most damage. It is definitely avoidable. But it takes a team, and it takes a humble team leader -- one who listens and follows what the coach preaches.
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